Tag: 2016 election

The Other Shoe Just Dropped

The Other Shoe Just Dropped

The 21st century just got realer.

I minored in history while at college in the late 90s/early 00s. I had an amazing American history professor who brought it alive with passion and sarcasm. He made us read Horatio Alger and Alvin Toffler’s Future Shock. It was a pre-Bush, pre-9/11 different time when music was angsty, but life was not (in hindsight). But I remember something he said then that I balked at initially – he made a point of telling us that the Internet would change the world in ways we couldn’t possibly imagine happening.

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Not with all the monkeys and typewriters in the universe.

This was not long after the time AOL took off and everyone had to wait for hours to dial-up their connection. I couldn’t imagine how something that putted along at that bandwidth could cause the kinds of changes – and realizations about ourselves – that he warned us about.

I thought he was being an old ninny, but I was a real asshole then.

The world didn’t end at the millennium and the computers didn’t take over or die. Then when I was in grad school 9/11 happened. An understandable sense of doom and newfound vulnerability swept over people old enough to grow up afraid of nuclear winters. Then unending wars, Hurricane Katrina, economic collapse, and totally stagnant wages. Me and the local wags who sit outside coffee shops thought every new catastrophe was “the other shoe dropping” after the towers came down.

We were wrong every time. The real other shoe just dropped and it has steel toes and swastikas.

The extremeness of 9/11 should’ve tipped us off that the 21st century is a whole other bowl of nuts. My favorite period in history is the 20th century. You’ve got to admit as wild as all of history is, the 20th century was super awful and super exciting. Two major reasons – technology and genocide. The entire paradigm of our scientific view shifted and we started waging massive wars against civilian populations. We created more moonscapes than we explored.

As for the 21st century, such as it now is, I don’t know what the hell the major themes will be but I suspect we are genuinely in a pickle here. Looking out my window right now the street is hazed with choking smoke from the forest fires raging near my home in Tennessee. The Tennessee Valley hasn’t had a drop of rain in months and fires lit shortly after Halloween are making the air barely breathable.

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And everyone around me voted for a tangerine primal scream. 

 

 

 

Ted’s face has a serious optics problem

Ted’s face has a serious optics problem

via Why Ted Cruz’s Facial Expression Makes Me Uneasy | Psychology Today

Even though Trump trundles though the Uncanny Valley like a bloviating circus peanut, Ted Cruz takes the prize for overall queasiness. It wasn’t until this election that I realized how attractive most presidents actually are. I’m not saying they’re Tigerbeat material, but they are tall, rather masculine, and photograph well. Even Lincoln’s notably fugly face was ameliorated by his extreme height and a distracting Mobius beard.

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But there’s no accountin’ fer Jimmy. Bless his great big heart!

The fella in the article linked at the top takes an anthropological approach to the problem of Ted’s oozing expression. He posits that we, as a species, have long been dependent on facial cues for evaluating the safety and sincerity of strangers we meet. (A side effect of this tendency is xenophobia.) After doing it for ages and losing our facial hair and having 54 choreographed facial muscles, we’ve become supernaturally good at reading expressions. It helps us form possibly life-saving gut reactions to people who threaten us when they let a bit of the evil pop through.

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In retrospect, this is way creepier.

Ted Cruz is a special kind of ugly. There’s no “beauty and the beast” dichotomy here; every facet of this man is equally odious. Firstly, his particular brand of pseudo-faith requires that the leader of America be ordained by God and basically goes on to describe a theocracy. With Ted Cruz being the *eerk* ruler of God’s earthly realm. The fact that He thinks He’s the person God would choose to lead anything other than a pedophile ring disguised as a traveling tent revival is insulting and clearly preposterous. But somehow he and his supporters genuinely feel Ted is part of America’s destiny. I wonder how they’ll rationalize the loss.

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In Ted’s case, the above should read, “Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted when people just really don’t want to look at my shiny gourd-face for four years.” Earlier this year, just before my state’s primary, I began to get Ted Cruz campaign commercials in between my Hulu programs. I was shocked at how, and this is a word I don’t use lightly, violated I felt. It was an unavoidable knee-jerk reaction. I was angry that he could get to me without my permission.


TRIGGER WARNING

Ted Cruz Closeups Below !!!


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Between pitcher ears filled with nonsense, Ted’s eyes and mouth always turn down at the corners giving him that exaggerated expression of beseechment that Southerners are so familiar with in shady itinerant preachers. He looks like he prayed for pals too hard as a child and his face stuck that way. Even his “smile” only ever gets to horizontal.

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Again, I am so sorry.

Then there’s that nose straight from a 19th century political cartoon. It’s a melted tallow dong in the middle of his face, juuuuust about to fall in his booger-besmerched upside-down kidney bean lie amplifier.

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Like a mewling eagle hatchling.

And what’s with the slime? Ted must be a champion sweat hog. Indeed, he is the embodiment of the word moist. So everything from his actual features to his various secretions is off-putting. Samantha Bee has pointed out that he even sounds annoying, like a “squealy French mime.”

Ted Cruz is a  puny parcel of shuddering grossness. His face is one thing, but his patriarchal ambitions disguised as divine mandate give my very soul the willies. You know things are bad when someone who makes you want to dry heave is the best alternative to American Neo-fascism (if you’re still a Republican).

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Mrs. Cruz agrees